9 Nov 2011

Is he gay? Is he interested in me or not? Damn, this is confusing

Halloween is really a big thing, not because of the embedded cultural factors but mostly about dressing up for a cool and fun party. Indeed, this is why people expect Halloween. A very close friend told me that Halloween is also a weird time when strange things happen. According to her, people would get more excited and thus act more bluntly than usual. I kind of agree with her, but honestly, I think the reason is booze and the party mood.

So I went to a quite cool Halloween party in a local gay club. In where I live, gay club is something totally different from what you normally know. Though the club clearly stated that they were a gay club, from my point of view it was simply a dance club with a bit more gay crowds than others. Since options for night life is miserable here, and true gay clubs seem nonexistent, naturally you see mixed crowds everywhere. Anyways, we only had this gay club here, and yes, I use "had" because it only lasted for about 6 months. In fact, I heard this Halloween party was their last night! I believe there must be some more gay places in my town, but unfortunately, as being away from club scenes for too long, I totally have no clue of them. So it is really sad that the only gay club I know is gone forever...

This Halloween party was fun even though there were lots of "fake" gays who simply went there to enjoy the lustful attention from gay guys. I don't mind them as long as they stay away and don't dance. It is obvious these straight guys came with either their gay friends or other female friends. I really don't think a straight would go to a gay bar alone.

Then this guy with a pretty face caught my attention. Obviously he came alone since he didn't really talk to anyone and kept playing with his iphone. He came without dressing up as anything and his demeanor said he seemed to be straight. Gray polo shirt, jeans, and a beer, nothing fancy or pretty. I don't think a gay guy would dare to show up like that in a gay club! I told my female friend about him, and then she started to look for him. I am pretty sure he noticed us because later he just stood facing us and chatted with the girl next to him.

To my surprise, he came near our table, made a silly smile, and then quickly turned and went back to the girl to whom he talked. Then the girl pushed him, and he came near us again, but this time he waved his hand and said hi. Again, he quickly turned and went back to his girl friend. Since he wore a pair of funny sunglasses, I could not tell whether he said that to me or my girl friend. Instinctively, I thought that was for my girl friend, but she told me that this is a gay bar, so it must be for me. Confusing, as I say, I don't even believe that the club is truly a gay one.

Nothing happened since that, and he kept standing in front of us, but he started talking to another girl who hit on him. They seemed to have a great time and exchanged phone numbers, I guess. So I thought I was right about him being straight. Later, someone bumped into my right arm, and naturally I turned my face towards that person. That was him. He said sorry and then quickly walked away to where he had been the whole night. But just that short period of time, one second only, I am pretty sure we exchanged an eye contact because I saw nothing but his brown eyes in which I do remember there was a sparkle. But at that moment, I told myself that was the reflection of the light. Then nothing happened, and he kept talking to that girl.

All my friends said I got picked up, but deep down I don't think so. I am pretty sure I got picked up if this happens in a real gay club, like GAY in London where I had experienced numerous similar situations. But here... that is questionable. They all laughed at me for being stupid and cowardly, and I do agree. After being single for too long, it is quite difficult for me to react with confidence to this, especially when I cannot even define whether he was smiling at me or not.  This is really confusing, and it bugs me. Not that I want to develop something with him, but that puzzle lingering in my mind. It felt good to have an admirer! Shame on me for being so superficial.

If he is straight, why would he go to a gay bar alone? Why didn't he just make it easy and introduce himself right after that silly smile? So my very dear friend is right. Halloween is truly a weird time in which strange things happen.








30 Oct 2011

A Coward

A coward is a man
Who dares not make a move
To that rare chance
Offered to him
On the golden tray.

A coward is a man

Who dares only to give a smile
Without saying his name
Bestowed on him
On his very first day

A coward is a man
 
Ignoring the present
Indulging in the past
That is a glory to him
As if life is simply a dying fame

A coward is a man
 
Losing his self
Pretending to be a real man
That is a goal to him
As if life is simply being a man

He's not a man

For his tries are so lame
I'm not a man
For this smother I place on my fate


       ---------- Minchih Sun 2011-10-30






24 Oct 2011

講台語的心晟:台語的藝術性與情感性


還記得小學時牆壁上張貼的禁說台語標示,那時候在學校說台語是會被處罰的,有的會被打,有的則是罰錢,但有趣的是在這種壓制台語的學習環境裏,台語並未從生命中消失,仍一直是日常生活的慣用語。比如中午去買吃的,隨口一出就是「頭家」,接著就混著國、台語一起使用。說的人不覺有異,聽的人也多回應得很自然。
身為一個所謂的「芋頭蕃薯」,國、台語雙聲帶是那麼自然,根本就不須訓練就已能靈活運用、駕輕就熟。最好笑的就是當有事不想讓家裏的「國語人」知道,就用台語說,但事實上我們都知道他們多少聽得懂一些。或有時要捉弄「阿嬤」,就故意一直說國語,逼著她說那聽起來頗好笑的「不輪轉」的國語。
與朋友們去唱歌,點歌單裏總是混著國、台語歌曲,甚至有時故意把國語歌唱成台語,或者用國語唱出螢幕上的台語歌詞。故意把台語唱成國語通常是好笑的,而台語再怎麼好的人,每當遇到要把國語給台語化時,也會有卡住、轉不過去的時候,這時滿室哄堂,大家都「笑到彎腰去」。
其實從小到大根本就沒有所謂的學台語這件事,也不曾想過台語是須要去學的。靈活使用台語的能力,完全是從跟家人、朋友的日常說話中培養出來的。
這麼說吧,環境對語言的學習是有決定性影響力的,若是缺乏環境與使用習慣,想熟悉台語的用字遣詞、腔調與聲律根本是不太可能的。其實學什麼語言都一樣,單想靠學校或是補習班的教學,把語言當成是死板板的文法規則,完全忽視語言是活生生的人用以溝通的有機工具,這只會產生令人厭倦的壓力,讓人討厭語言的學習。
現今的中小學英語教育不就是這般成效不彰嗎?報紙、新聞常常在說台灣的英語教學成果不理想,而教育研究者也不斷試圖改進這種不堪的狀態,但基本上都不過是治標不治本的空談。原因就在台灣根本就不是個說英語的環境,加上考試導向的語言教育從未考慮語言的實際使用問題,一般學生想說流利的英語好像是要去登天一樣。少數英語學得好的多是因自身的興趣使然,也因此他們的努力並非僅是記憶與背誦,而是在他們的日常生活中去靈活使用英語。
現今這種把台語規則化以利教學的傾向越來越明顯,但這真的是一個適當的方式嗎?說實話,適當的方式是什麼尚未有定論,可能也不會有定論,但相信家裡有小朋友的家長們必定對小學台語教學敬畏三分。那充滿著莫名其妙的拼音文字的台語課本,真令人匪夷所思,好像是在教什麼神祕難解的外星語。最恐怖的是老師也搞不清楚書裡印的是什麼,小孩更說不出倒底學的是什麼。漸漸的,學台語變成是令人討厭的東西。為什麼學台語一定要弄得這麼複雜呢?為什麼只能用拼音文字來寫台語呢?
事實上在台灣說台語並不是個奇怪的現象,換句話說,台灣並未缺乏學台語的環境。就算北部人多說國語,台語也沒有在台北消失,更有許多台北人是用台語在買一碗麵或一杯飲料。到了南部,台語更是普遍,且國、台語混用根本就已是家常便飯。打開電視,有哪部連續劇不說台語,哪個綜藝節目不說台語,甚至連廣告都已台語化了。
其實很好笑,有些小孩是說得一口好台語,但怪的是學校的台語作業卻是一團糟。其實這也不難了解,那種莫名其妙的拼音文字根本就不是台語,不過是有心人士刻意強調某種意識型態下的變態產物。當語言被政治化,政治的操弄剝奪了語言活生生的生命表現,所剩下的不過是情緒性、技術面的逞強。試想當電視上台語節目的字幕用拼音文字時,那是多麼可笑的現象?
在台灣應該沒有人不認識江蕙吧!是的,江蕙的台語歌是那麼的動人,不管聽的人懂不懂台語,多少能引發聽者「心內的感動」。聽不懂的會說是她真摯的歌聲使然,聽得懂的人更會說是那真誠歌聲唱出了歌詞的意境,唱進了人的心坎裏。
江蕙歌聲中真摯的情感當然不可否認,但更是台語本身獨特的腔調與聲韻,搭配上文字引發出的意境美,才使歌曲直通人心。事實上台語的聲律早已為一般台灣人所熟悉,就算是不說台語的台灣人,也因日常生活中的接觸而對台語有了一種親切感。所以當江蕙的歌聲進到了耳朵裏,心也就隨之起了反應,情感隨著樂曲的流動而起伏著。
曾經客居異鄉的遊子,或是對生命有所體悟的浪子,對江蕙的《落雨聲》必定是感觸良多。聲韻與音律的結合,加上文詞所引發的強烈情緒,那滴滴答答的雨聲竟隱含著多少心中難以言喻的傷感。「寂寞的雨聲,捶阮心肝」,這簡單的一句話,讓多少男子漢、女丈夫落下隱忍多時的淚水。在雨聲的催撥之下,思鄉情緒一發不可收拾,但異鄉遊子卻只能在腦海中回憶著故鄉的景色,也只能對著空幻但熟悉的風景敘說心中無限的惆悵。
「人孤單,像斷翅的鳥隻。飛袂行,咁講是阮的命。」當唱到這裏,想必許多人的心理會突然生出一種莫名的酸楚。方文山的詞不僅完美呈現了台語聲律本有的情感表達,更利用中文詞彙的意境來強化聲律中的悲悽與無奈。這種不堪與無奈,都已是事後的悔恨,就像那一句「出社會走闖塊甲人拼輸贏,為著啥,家己嘸知影。」常常就是「嘸知影」,才造成遺憾。當江蕙用她婉轉哀淒的聲調唱出「你若欲友孝世大嘸免等好額,世間有阿母惜的囝仔尚好命」,不管是否曾經歷過痛失至親的大悲,聽者已淚如雨下。想必大家都有相似的經驗,每每唱到這一句必哽咽唱不下去,因為曲詞裏的意思那麼明顯、那麼痛。
江蕙就像看盡人間悲苦與滄桑的歌姬,用她細緻但卻滄桑的聲音詮釋出「樹欲靜而風不止,子欲養而親不待」的人生大道理,告誡著要把握人生,否則「哭出聲,無人惜命命」。方文山的詞烘托了台語本身聲律所能引發的意境,而江蕙的美聲更把意境唱到人心裏去。這麼優美而本色的詞,突顯台語本有的特質,這不是什麼奇怪的拼音可取代的。
台語自古以來不就都藉著中文詞彙來強調自身語言的獨特性嗎?歌仔戲,或是更早以前的明代泉州戲《荔鏡記》,不就是以中文來創作,而用方言唱出的嗎?《荔鏡記》一本在明代前後可能流傳甚廣,學者更推論今歌仔戲《陳三五娘》即本此劇而出。試看第三齣裏丫環對著小姐說「啞娘萬福」,後又替小姐感嘆「一點春心今來交代乞誰」,這完全是本色語,雖中間夾雜較俚俗的用字遣詞,但也因與民眾的日常用語親近,更易使人進入情節中,把情緒帶出來。
其實文字與聲律間的關係早已存在數千年之久,更因歷史的演進,關於某聲對應某字的運用我們多已熟悉。從文化的觀點來說,這只不過是語言實際存在的一種方式,並無關於政治的壓制或反抗。更重要的是這種文字的使用手段,不僅延續了台語的生命,更雅化了原屬方言的台語,使她更具文學與藝術性。
同樣是江蕙的歌曲,《無言花》中「你敢有聽見花謝若落土,破碎是誰人的心肝」,不正是雅化後的台語表現嗎?又蔡振南筆下的《花若離枝》不正是一闕好詞嗎?這樣帶著文學性的藝術表現,純粹是抒發人的真實情感,也因刻意撿選文字及文意,使美聲有意境,得以絲絲動人、扣人心弦。
在台灣說台語本不覺有什麼特殊之處,但每次在異鄉聽見台語聲,才發現原來台語有那種莫名的親切感,帶來親近故鄉的興奮。待的時間長一點,更是懷念說台語的感覺,但只能一個人呆對著窗外月色用台語自言自語,或者連上網路對著螢幕唱江蕙的歌。
因為台語,故鄉的記憶變得更真實,也因文字而引出埋藏的回憶。台語早已是講台語的人的鄉愁,她一直在腦海中迴響著,更永遠在血液裏奔流著。

16 Oct 2011

秋夜愁

秋意重,露華濃,人生恨重重。
但寄憂思明月中,夢醒時分愁又逢。


殘荷低頭,流水無蹤,
轉眼又是寒梅冬,冰封之鯉不得踴。


銅豌豆,敲不痛,打死不屈投。
昂然骨象誰人懂,六月雪得驗其風。


癡呆稫擁,糊突富攏,
聰明多是白作工,薦福碑前看虛空。


柳暗花明路,但刻書卷中,身唯剰傲骨,未知何方容。


---------- 孫敏智 2011/10/16

14 Oct 2011

Life is like a dream

Life is like a dream
And I am dreaming my life
From dawn to dusk
It's not a grind


When the night falls
I am again alive
Awakening from dreams
Bereft of life


A sober torso
With a dreary mind
In the bleak realm
The undead sighs


Scorn the real
Cos all is a sign
Embrace the ideal
Cos vain is fine


With the God of vine
With his sweet sweet wine
Dream is nothing
But a perfect life


I am letting myself swirl
In the dreams of life
Taking flight
I shall drift with my frenzied right


---- Minchih Sun, 2011-10-14